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Hey girl. I haven’t seen you in forev, except for that night we went to what felt like a baby shower. I hope you guys are doing great. My oldest is back and doing awesome except for the fact she had her wisdom teeth pulled out yesterday. It pretty much sucks, especially when she accidentally pulled out a chunk of her stitches. While we were hanging out watching the TV (no shock there) we decided to watch Weeds. OMG, I don’t know if you’ve ever watched this show but its has totally adult content. I didn’t mind watching it with her so much (18 years old) but then my 11 year old comes in and I let him watch it too. I don’t know what’s wrong with me. It was not a shining mothering moment It just seemed like too much effort to shoo him away and maybe I convinced myself that the show seemed innocent enough. Anyway, he’s supposed to keep his new knowledge to himself. We’ll see how that works out. I better run but I wanted to say hi so send me a message whenever you have the chance. MB

Hi hope you’re doing well this morning and the traffic wasn’t too bad. I’m already at work and trying to figure out what to do first. Since I don’t like to make lists, I have to sort it out in my brain. On another subject, our weekend was good. My oldest daughter came back from her freshman year in college and it’s beyond exciting for us. It’s amazing how nice and familiar it is to be with her. On the other hand, she has so many family members vying for her time and in truth, all she wants to do is sleep. Obviously we need to be more patient. We have to remember that she’ll be here for a while so it’s ok to take a step back and give her the space she needs.

On our one outing, she and I took my middle daughter to get an outfit for her middle school culmination. It was both fun and, gulp, you know…. At some point I had to run out and get a coffee to settle down. The shop was up the hill and I was surprised at how beautiful everything was. She decided on a flowing cream colored dress ending just above knee length, a black cardigan and black shiny flats with glimmering stones on the toe. The outfit is gorgeous. She also has long dark wavy hair that will look beautiful with it.

Switching the subject again, my husband and son and I have been continuing to work diligently on our Battle Star Galactica marathon, binge, or whatever you want to call it. The girls don’t seem interested but I, myself, can’t get enough of it. It has made me wish that I was (along with everything I’m doing now) a fighter pilot. I use to wish I could be a race car driver but that’s out the window now. It’s the love of speed in three dimensional space I guess, not to mention the target practice. This makes me sound more violent than I am, but the process just sounds amazing.

A downside of the show is that everyone is drinking and smoking all the time. It makes it look so cool but I know that it is not. In fact for me, those things make me feel like crap. Maybe that’s also true for being a fighter pilot. I’ll never know. Ironically, my father’s life dream was to be a fighter pilot with the air force. He went for it but they rejected him because of some issue with his eyes. I guess he was meant to do something else (if you believe in fate that is, which I know you do).

On the topic of emotions (which I admit we weren’t discussing before) I am feeling medium today. I was thinking about why and at first I thought that if all these external things in my life went the way I wanted them to, then I would be happy. Then I realized that that is not true. It can be hard to feel happy when there are a lot of challenges and uncertainties in one’s life but on the other hand, i do know down deep that happiness come from the inside. One needs to feel positive about who they are. I don’t know why it’s so difficult to feel this consistently. Maybe you have it figured out. I think I have some inner work.

But enough about me. I am so excited for your Wednesday night adventure. I’m pretty sure you’ll have a great time, but if not, it will at least be a step in the right direction in terms of doing something new. I’m excited to hear how it goes. You’ll have to tell me everything afterward.

This morning, I’m supposed to organize receipts, an activity I’ve been putting off for at least a month. To get revved up, I think I’ll make myself some “astronaut” coffee: One part brown powder, one part cream colored powder, and one half part white powder. It’s not so good, as you can imagine but it does the trick. I hope you have a great day. I’ll talk to you tomorrow.
-MB

Hi girl:

It’s nice to say hi even though I know you can’t read this. Even so, I wish you would respond. You always give me something good to think about. The news for today is that I feel blue. low. sad. guilty. Probably there’s more but that’s all I can think of for now. I disappointed my son this morning. He felt terrible about it and rightly so. The irony of the situation is that I want my kids to express themselves to me fully. That is one of the few things I’m good at as a parent, I listen. But now, I’m not so good at handling it when they’re upset with me. Sometimes they have good reason and sometimes they don’t but it’s hard for me to tell the difference. When they were younger it never bothered me too much if they got upset, because usually their requests were not terribly reasonable, e.g., I want ice cream for dinner. But now, they want things that are important to them, that effect the quality of their academic and social experiences, and I can’t often deliver. I’m too tired, too late, too distracted, unable to patch up differences. It hurts, I have to say. Their suffering is my suffering to some degree. On the other hand, why do I care so much if they are unhappy with me? Usually, they express that they love me and my company, but it seems like I let them down far too often. Is that would a good mother would do? I don’t think so. I think she would be able to do the right things. I feel unable to fix this. Maybe that’s the crux of the problem. I can’t fix it know matter how hard I try. And I do try hard. Yet there’s always one problem after another. This feeling I have right now doesn’t seem responsible or mature or even reasonable. And knowing that just makes it worse. Everyone has cares, has hurtles, has setbacks, etc., but I just can’t face mine. Lately, every fear, every mistake I make feels like a thin needle in my heart. Some days it’s not like this. But today, or at least this morning, i feel like I have a few needles in there. And the bleeding, I just can’t stop. -MB

This morning I got a text from my daughter that said, “I’m going to stress eat so hardcore while finishing this paper…” It was so funny to me. I love her so much and she’s so cute. She’ll be home on Saturday which is awesome. Everything at home is going pretty well. My son read my last post and was not happy about it. Maybe it was a bit complainy.

I hope you’re doing good. Right now I’m at work and can hear several conversations around me. It’s actually nice compared with the general silence we get for most of the day.You must be at work also in a similar sitch. I hope your new project director is cool. I’ll keep my fingers crossed for you. I’m hoping to get on a project here related to critical thinking and surgery. It’s a shift, but new is good. I’ll jump up and down if the project director for the surgery project is good. Its funny how everyone knows which project director is good and which isn’t, but they don’t know themselves.

One thing that’s cool is I’ve been losing some weight recently and can fit into some clothes I couldn’t before. Right now I’m wearing my skinny jeans what were like binding seal skin before. Now I’m pretty comfy.

When I saw my therapist this morning she said I need to write at least one paragraph a day on the final paper for my Language Anthro class. It was due over a week ago. It makes me feel slightly sick to my stomach just to say that. I hate missing deadlines. Even though I’m late in a lot of things I do, I rarely miss these kind of deadlines. Whatev. I’ll do a paragraph a day and see how it goes.

So have a great day and a good evening with Jordan.
-MB

How are you doing? Did you and Jared make it to school on time. It must have been hard today with the rain and gray skies. Our house had a near complete system breakdown. None of my kids at home went to school. They claimed illness and while that may be partially true, I think it was more about unfinished homework and social stress. I feel like my strategies have not been working. Instead of making them feel empowered in making their own decisions, they feel bad about themselves for not having taken care of what they need to. Luckily, Diego and I are talking about it and working together to help the kids. Like I told him, I can’t be the heavy anymore. With this approach everything is going to hell in a hand basket. The irony is that their dad and I are in the same situation. We have important work to do that we just can’t get started on. I’m not sure why this is happening to all of us. The stars? idk.

The new medicine I’m taking seems to be working better. I don’t feel energetic but at least it doesn’t feel like wading through mud to accomplish a task. I guess at some point it makes more sense to stop trying to figure everything out. I don’t know why everything is the way it is (especially the difficult stuff). Things to be grateful for on the other hand is that everyone in my family is healthy and generally happy. Diego and I are getting along much better. We live in a safe neighborhood and my work is going well. I have good friends and find myself enjoying moments with friends and family a lot more. I hope you are having a great day. Miss you. B

Hey girl. I don’t know what to tell you. I I’ve been feeling like falling over at my desk all morning. Lunch will you was cool today. I liked sitting at the bar and seeing all the calorie info on the menus. Totally scary. I just took some Excedrin and a bit of Ritalin and I’m feeling much better. Someone just commented on my son’s post and it’s thrilling for me. I can’t tell you exactly why. He’s such a good writer. I know we all are but something about his writing is connecting with people out there.

Anyway, I’m glad you’re finally doing e-Harmony. The profiles you’ve been sending me to see are so funny. Some of the guys look really interesting but others seem like they don’t have a clue. Could you believe that one guy said one of his role models was Hitler? Clueless. Who is he trying to attract anyway. Make sure to take me up on my babysitting offer. Also, I don’t know what you will think of this but I kinda implied to Cynthia that you are on e-harmony. I did it (I’m thinking please, please forgive me) because she is doing it too and I thought you guys would enjoy talking about it. As you know, my sister found some guy that way that she is in love with now. Thank god it’s mutual. Middle-child and I keep pestering her to give us some dates. When is the baby and when is the marriage. We want some practical facts. I’m not sure what else to tell you.

I haven’t been too depressed lately but I did get mad at Diego yesterday and ended up falling asleep in the kids room. I felt kind of immature about it but i was mad. He dissed my using our special signal to stop talking about a topic if I was getting too uncomfortable. I felt bad cuz he made fun of me and because I thought the symbol was kind of sacred (but not in a religious kind of way). Whatever, it all comes out in the wash. The worst part is I ended up switching beds last night about three times and I’m exhausted today. At least that’s my excuse.

In terms of more complaining, my first-time-manacured nails are getting chipped. I’m not sure what to do cuz the smell of the polish remover is totally gross and toxic. I’m afraid my daughter is poisoning herself whenever she uses it. I think that’s all I have for now. I’ll write later. Take care, MB

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This blog is about a belief in the importance of creative thought, actions, and materials. Check out the various categories to read about books, films, artwork, and miscellaneous thoughts on life. The contributors to this blog include myself, my three children, and my husband. We each have a different take on the world and appreciate different aspects of it. What we have in common is that we are all passionate about our interests. I hope you enjoy our thoughts and insights.

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