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Hi girl:

It’s nice to say hi even though I know you can’t read this. Even so, I wish you would respond. You always give me something good to think about. The news for today is that I feel blue. low. sad. guilty. Probably there’s more but that’s all I can think of for now. I disappointed my son this morning. He felt terrible about it and rightly so. The irony of the situation is that I want my kids to express themselves to me fully. That is one of the few things I’m good at as a parent, I listen. But now, I’m not so good at handling it when they’re upset with me. Sometimes they have good reason and sometimes they don’t but it’s hard for me to tell the difference. When they were younger it never bothered me too much if they got upset, because usually their requests were not terribly reasonable, e.g., I want ice cream for dinner. But now, they want things that are important to them, that effect the quality of their academic and social experiences, and I can’t often deliver. I’m too tired, too late, too distracted, unable to patch up differences. It hurts, I have to say. Their suffering is my suffering to some degree. On the other hand, why do I care so much if they are unhappy with me? Usually, they express that they love me and my company, but it seems like I let them down far too often. Is that would a good mother would do? I don’t think so. I think she would be able to do the right things. I feel unable to fix this. Maybe that’s the crux of the problem. I can’t fix it know matter how hard I try. And I do try hard. Yet there’s always one problem after another. This feeling I have right now doesn’t seem responsible or mature or even reasonable. And knowing that just makes it worse. Everyone has cares, has hurtles, has setbacks, etc., but I just can’t face mine. Lately, every fear, every mistake I make feels like a thin needle in my heart. Some days it’s not like this. But today, or at least this morning, i feel like I have a few needles in there. And the bleeding, I just can’t stop. -MB

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Hey girl. I don’t know what to tell you. I I’ve been feeling like falling over at my desk all morning. Lunch will you was cool today. I liked sitting at the bar and seeing all the calorie info on the menus. Totally scary. I just took some Excedrin and a bit of Ritalin and I’m feeling much better. Someone just commented on my son’s post and it’s thrilling for me. I can’t tell you exactly why. He’s such a good writer. I know we all are but something about his writing is connecting with people out there.

Anyway, I’m glad you’re finally doing e-Harmony. The profiles you’ve been sending me to see are so funny. Some of the guys look really interesting but others seem like they don’t have a clue. Could you believe that one guy said one of his role models was Hitler? Clueless. Who is he trying to attract anyway. Make sure to take me up on my babysitting offer. Also, I don’t know what you will think of this but I kinda implied to Cynthia that you are on e-harmony. I did it (I’m thinking please, please forgive me) because she is doing it too and I thought you guys would enjoy talking about it. As you know, my sister found some guy that way that she is in love with now. Thank god it’s mutual. Middle-child and I keep pestering her to give us some dates. When is the baby and when is the marriage. We want some practical facts. I’m not sure what else to tell you.

I haven’t been too depressed lately but I did get mad at Diego yesterday and ended up falling asleep in the kids room. I felt kind of immature about it but i was mad. He dissed my using our special signal to stop talking about a topic if I was getting too uncomfortable. I felt bad cuz he made fun of me and because I thought the symbol was kind of sacred (but not in a religious kind of way). Whatever, it all comes out in the wash. The worst part is I ended up switching beds last night about three times and I’m exhausted today. At least that’s my excuse.

In terms of more complaining, my first-time-manacured nails are getting chipped. I’m not sure what to do cuz the smell of the polish remover is totally gross and toxic. I’m afraid my daughter is poisoning herself whenever she uses it. I think that’s all I have for now. I’ll write later. Take care, MB

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This blog is about a belief in the importance of creative thought, actions, and materials. Check out the various categories to read about books, films, artwork, and miscellaneous thoughts on life. The contributors to this blog include myself, my three children, and my husband. We each have a different take on the world and appreciate different aspects of it. What we have in common is that we are all passionate about our interests. I hope you enjoy our thoughts and insights.

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