Hi girl:

It’s nice to say hi even though I know you can’t read this. Even so, I wish you would respond. You always give me something good to think about. The news for today is that I feel blue. low. sad. guilty. Probably there’s more but that’s all I can think of for now. I disappointed my son this morning. He felt terrible about it and rightly so. The irony of the situation is that I want my kids to express themselves to me fully. That is one of the few things I’m good at as a parent, I listen. But now, I’m not so good at handling it when they’re upset with me. Sometimes they have good reason and sometimes they don’t but it’s hard for me to tell the difference. When they were younger it never bothered me too much if they got upset, because usually their requests were not terribly reasonable, e.g., I want ice cream for dinner. But now, they want things that are important to them, that effect the quality of their academic and social experiences, and I can’t often deliver. I’m too tired, too late, too distracted, unable to patch up differences. It hurts, I have to say. Their suffering is my suffering to some degree. On the other hand, why do I care so much if they are unhappy with me? Usually, they express that they love me and my company, but it seems like I let them down far too often. Is that would a good mother would do? I don’t think so. I think she would be able to do the right things. I feel unable to fix this. Maybe that’s the crux of the problem. I can’t fix it know matter how hard I try. And I do try hard. Yet there’s always one problem after another. This feeling I have right now doesn’t seem responsible or mature or even reasonable. And knowing that just makes it worse. Everyone has cares, has hurtles, has setbacks, etc., but I just can’t face mine. Lately, every fear, every mistake I make feels like a thin needle in my heart. Some days it’s not like this. But today, or at least this morning, i feel like I have a few needles in there. And the bleeding, I just can’t stop. -MB

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